I learned today that Kyle Richards – of The Real Housewives of Bevery Hills – has released a book entitled, Life Is Not A Reality Show. In the book she dishes about fashion, make-up and apparently relationship advice. Kyle advises, “If you cheat once, don’t tell.”
Hmmmm….I sat wondering about how I actually feel about that statement. One the one hand, to me, cheating is as good as knowingly taking a wrecking ball to your relationship and to your partner’s psyche. On the other hand, if you know for sure that you’d never do it again, is it worth forever wounding your partner and putting your relationship on life support? That’s a real tough one.
As someone who was cheated on in the past but who has never herself cheated, I can’t help but ultimately think that Kyle’s advice is a load of hooey that gives an out to selfish people. Infidelity is like a cancer. It’s not just something that happens and then goes away. It seeps deep into the skin and bones of the partner who was betrayed. It becomes a part of who they tell themselves they are. It’s an annihilation of trust that causes the cheatee to always be looking over their shoulder to see what their partner is up to in secret next. Frankly, it also permanantly taints the character of the cheater…you will always be that guy or girl who cheated on someone, causing future partners to wonder about your trustworthyness…not to mention the karmic payback that’s coming.
I once dated someone who told me that they had cheated on their ex-wife. It certainly made me pause. Then he went on to tell me how he was devastated and has a hard time trusting because that same wife ultimately left him after cheating on him with one of his close friends. I must be a judgy bitch (lol) because all I could think in that moment was, “karma gotcha.”
Anyway, back to talking about not telling…sure it’s the path of least resistance…but you will always know what you did and live knowing that they could find out about it any day. Is living with a secret like that any way to live?
I’m mostly musing here because I do find this fascinating and as someone who personally has a pertty hard line stance on infidelity, I can’t help but take a moment to ponder this with you all. Today, people in relationships seem very selfish and immature. Why is that ok? (lol) I mean, its as if some never learned in pre-school that all behaviors have consequences.
Bottom line: you can’t be a totally self-centered person and have a sucessful relationship. It just doesn’t work. Being in a relationship inherently means that you need to consider someone else on a regular basis. You have to think about their feelings, how your behavior will effect them and reflect upon them or what they would think. So, if you’d like to sleep around, no problem….it’s a free country, just don’t enter a comitted relationship. Or, if you’re in a relationship and you want to be with someone else, act like a grown-up and finish one relationship before you start another relationship. Better still…commit to someone and stick with it. So many people easily give up on their relationships today, it’s really silly. This is making me think about writing a post about all the things you should do and discuss before you get married…
So, let’s talk about this. What do you think of Kyle’s advice?
Photo credit: scatto felino’s flickr photostream
relationships
Couple-tastic! 
I also think that advice is a load of “hooey” as you said 🙂 and it indeed gives the cheater an easy way out. I believe in honesty. You screw up, you own it, and you do what you can do to make it right. I’ve been cheated on as well, but never cheated. I have a conscience.. something that most folks lack these days.
I think if it was a one of and a mistake then you could let it go and not tell.. but that is just my opnion…
I think that Kyle’s advice is a butt load of crap. What were you expecting from a person associated with ‘THAT’ kind of reality show?
“it also permanantly taints the character of the cheater…you will always be that guy or girl who cheated on someone, causing future partners to wonder about your trustworthyness…not to mention the karmic payback that’s coming.” If it’s a one-time thing and the person is filled with regret, remorse, is basically horrified at her- or himself for what s/he did, then it doesn’t permanently taint their character, in my opinion, but it does taint the person for a long time to come.
And I think it’s huge question to wrestle with–to tell or not to tell. Why tell? Why not tell? These are soul-searching type questions, and if a person delves into them in a soul-searching and caring (as in caring about one’s spouse and the impact that what one did has on one’s spouse and their relationship) type way, then that says something about the person and that maybe they “got” the message and will never do such a thing again.
But if the person writes a glib book about her life and misadventures in love and marriage and infidelity, and fills it with cotton and fluff, then maybe the person didn’t really get the message or learn much.
When I was in my early 20’s I was in a relationship and I cheated. I never told my bf. Later we ended up breaking up because we were just at different points in our lives and it wasn’t working. However we became good friends later on (and maybe we wouldn’t have otherwise, had I confessed), but I was too young and too naive to be in a serious relationship at that time.
The bf I had right after him, we were together 2 years – when it wasn’t working I suggested we take time apart, he said he didn’t want to – and cheated on me instead – karma… (then he got married, his wife cheated on HIM and he got divorced… KARMA!!!
What goes around sure does come around!
Now that I am older, Fidelity is everything, I wouldn’t even think about cheating, I’d end the relationship first.
Kyle’s advice basically condones one-time flings. I want to know if Kyle’s husband takes her advice… or if how she would feel if he did.
Honor and commitment are what relationships should be about. Everyone loses in such a scenario. A cheater is also cheating him/herself – a self-inflicted downgrade of integrity.
I wholeheartedly agree ! ! !
I also believe that once one has cheated, he or she is bound to cheat again. If my partner cheated on me, I’d kick him out of my life, no explanations, no second chances, no mercy. To me, once that trust is lost, it will never be regained. I know I’m being harsh, perhaps, even unrealistic, especially in this day and age, but I have to stand up for my ideals, however unrealistic they maybe.
I am shaking my head in agreement with you. I’ve never cheated, but I have been cheated on. I asbolutely agree that if someone wants to be with multiple and other people…have at it…have a blast, just not in a monogomous relationship.
Yes, there will be trying times. Yes, you will not like your partner sometimes, yes, will WILL be attracted to other people. the key point you made: you are in a relationship and should be thinking about your partner and the other person.
So, What makes sex so amazing (or stress relieving or an escape, etc) that one would risk a relationship over it?
The right path (monogomy) is not always the easiest. then again, the best things in life are never easy
Agreed. Selfishness and entitlement. Your partner has a right to decide how they want to deal with the situation too. By not telling him/her you are making the decision for both of you and that very act means you are putting your self interests first and disrespecting your partner.
Maybe your partner won’t give you a second chance. That is their choice. And it’s the consequence of your choice. Yes, people make mistakes. That isn’t an excuse or reason not to face the consequences of those mistakes.