Do You Have the Guts To Trust?

Is your inability to trust ruining your relationships?

Contrary to popular opinion, trust really isn’t something your partner should have to earn. It should be there from the start (unless proven otherwise, of course). That’s because, the key ingredient necessary to trust someone else, is to be able to trust yourself.

Trusting yourself requires that you be present and aware of your emotions and also willing to follow your instincts when you have them. Your gut will always identify and warn you against potential partners who aren’t trustworthy. But, you actually need to listen to your gut. So, stop ignoring it.

If you’ve never read Gavin DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear” get on it. The book talks about the “brilliant internal guardian” that warns you from potentially dangerous people and situations. His premise is that you should always listen to what your gut is telling you.

In fact, according to a story in New Scientist, “it turns out that because our emotions emerge from our unconscious mind, from our internal supercomputer, they tend to reflect more information than our rational mind.” Translation: our gut instinct can save us from a lot of grief. It we learn to trust ourselves and our gut’s ability to keep us safe, we can then be confident in our ability to trust others and know that we will always be safe to love.

Many people suppress or ignore their gut instinct because they don’t understand it,or how it works. Your subconscious is storing incredible amounts of information and processing it all in the background at super speed. At the same time, that same subconscious is picking up on body language, tone of voice, sounds, sights, smells, etc. that you don’t even register consciously and processing it all at enormous rates of speed and spitting it back out as the findings we call gut feelings.

So, how do you learn to trust your gut? Here are some great tips from Cosmopolitan:

“Intuition is like a muscle,” says Gert Gigerenzer, PhD, author ofGut Feelings, “It gets stronger with use.” So give it a workout by following your instinct with inconsequential choices, such  as whether to wear jeans or black pants. Assuming both look great on, it doesn’t  matter which you go for. But this exercise gets you in the habit of relying on  gut reactions instead of analyzing (“I wore jeans the other day, so I guess I’ll  do the pants”). Eventually, listening to your inner voice will become second  nature and help you out with important decisions.

Having trouble tuning  in to your gut? Jump-start it by making a logical decision, but before doing anything, take stock of how you feel about that conclusion. Say  you’re dating two guys. Pick the one who makes more sense (has a better job,  etc.). If your heart sinks, you know the other guy is right.

Just  remember that your intuition’s power depends on the breadth of your experience.  Example: While someone who cooks regularly can wing a recipe with terrific  results, a less practiced chef should probably stick to the instructions. “In unfamiliar territory, give practical thinking added weight,” notes Gigerenzer.  “The unconscious and conscious minds were designed to work in tandem.”

Sure, getting involved in any relationship is a risk, but if both people don’t have the capacity for trust and offer it from the start, intimacy can really never develop. So, it’s time to check the baggage from old relationships behind you and start working out that intution so you can enter into a new relationship fresh, with new eyes. So, get practicing and start trusting that gut…

Are there certain behaviors that are causing you to not trust your partner(s), or do you have unresolved issues that are preventing you from trusting others?

Photo credit: The Sean & Lauren Spectacular’s Flickr photostream


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Categories: Tips


I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better relationship at a time.

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10 Comments on “Do You Have the Guts To Trust?”

  1. February 3, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

    I’m sorry but I just cannot take psychological advice from Cosmopolitan. Hell I won’t even take blow job advice from them.

    • February 3, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

      LOL! Fair enough. 🙂
      I still think it was a good recap and good suggestions from the author’s book. Take what works and leave the rest, as they say.

  2. February 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    I’m really not the jelous type but I had one boyfriend that just made my intuition go ape-shit & sure enough, every time I felt like that & looked for “evidence”— I found it.

    • February 8, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

      Seriously, I so wish people would trust their gut more.

      It’s like some people talk themselves out what they feel and know is true. Is it desperation for things to work out that makes us do this, I wonder?

      • February 9, 2012 at 12:40 am #

        For me, in that situation, it was a matter of the good outweighing the bad… Until one day it didn’t anymore. Plus, what a roller coaster ride. That kind of intensity can be addicting.

  3. February 4, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    One of my biggest fears after my husband left in a sea of betrayal and deception is that I would not be able to trust again. I actually trust better now, and I think it comes down to trusting myself more. Towards the end of my marriage, my subconscious knew something was wrong; I had a generalized feeling of anxiety and impending doom. I rationalized it away, thinking that no evidence meant nothing was wrong. I will never ignore that sense again; I have learned to trust it.

    • February 8, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

      I completely believe that it’s trusting yourself more too! Do you think that comes with age and experience?

      • February 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

        I think so. It seems like the only way to build trust in self or others is through repeated situations where trust is required and supported. That takes time and experience.

  4. February 6, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    I really liked this article. Also something that I am learning to do as I learn more about dating. Thank you for posting!


  1. Is Someone Leading You On? | Couple-tastic! - February 6, 2012

    […] better (or go back to the way they were in the beginning). But, this is an especially good time to listen to your gut. If you’re not feeling cherished, loved or cared for by an equal partner while […]

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