Are You With A Cheater?

Just about everyone in their dating and relationship career has the misfortune of encountering a cheater. Sometimes it’s a player who you thought you were dating exclusively, sometimes it’s a spouse who is having an emotional relationship at work. Whatever form it comes in, it sucks…it’s horrible and life altering.

Interestingly, when someone can’t stay faithful, it’s about a flaw in the cheater, not with you. A lot of people who’ve been cheated on wonder what they must be lacking somehow for their partner to stray. But the reality is, it has nothing to do with you. If the most amazingly gogeous, smart and interesting women in the world can be cheated on – Ellen Nordgren, Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, Ivana Trump, Princess Diana, Elizabeth Hurley, Uma Thurman, Sienna Miller, etc. – I hope that shows you that it can happen to anyone.  It’s not your fault, you’re just with a person who has a very flawed character.

When you suspect that someone is not as committed to you as they are saying, lots of emotions bubble to the surface – anger, paranoia, fear, sadness…you name it, you’ll feel it. You’ll start living looking over your shoulder, analyzing every sentence uttered, stalking, questioning, wondering why they take so long to run errands or are late at work. It’s a miserable, miserable way to live.

Sometimes those feelings are justified (gut feelings are rarely wrong)…but other times it can just be our own fear and insecurity. Do you know how to tell the difference? Do you have any proof?

Here are some ways that you can tell that your partner is cheating:

  1. Lack of Transparency With Phone Calls & Text Messages: Sometimes when your spouse/partner is cheating  on you they may make their phone calls more discreet. If they would normally  take their calls when you are in the room, then out of no where, your spouse might hide their calls or walk into a different room so that you are out of the hearing range. Also, if your partner used to  leave their cell phone lying aroung and now they are constantly hiding their  phone from you then something might be up. If your spouse used to let their text message  inbox get full no all of a sudden they are deleting their messages or there are  gaps in the conversation then most likely there is something they don’t want you  to see.
  2. Changes In Appearance: If your spouse starts changing up their style out of no where and  wearing different cologne or perfume, there may be someone that they are trying  to impress.  And, if your guy starts paying  more attention to their appearance – hair, cologne, new clothes – maybe something is going on.
  3. Detecting Lying: Sometimes when people lie they tend to not be able to maintain eye contact or look you in the face. Of they become defensive if you ask where they have been.  Its not always easy to tell when someone is lying because some people  are just natural born liars.
  4. Spending A Lot of Time on The Computer: In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.
  5. Big Changes in Work Schedule: All of a sudden there are more late nights, more business trips, breakfast meetings when your partner never had them before.

If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse’s behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you’ve found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies.

Ultimately, trust your gut instinct but having hard, cold proof also helps to put the issue to bed once and for all.  If you don’t find any proof, then you may need to consider that you’re chasing shadows that aren’t, in fact, actually there.

Have you ever detected a cheater? What gave it away? Was your gut ultimately correct?

Photo credit: denharsh’s Flickr photostream
Read more:  How to Tell If Your Spouse Is Cheating On You | Spending a large amount of time on the computer.


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Categories: Tips


I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better relationship at a time.

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8 Comments on “Are You With A Cheater?”

  1. Really!?
    January 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Great, great post. Yup, been with a cheater. Noticed he was changing his clothing and keeping his phone private. I called him out on it and he denied it. of course. So, the next morning I checked his cell phone (of which I don’t condone) and there it was. He was 2 weeks into it.
    so, I called her up, walked upstairs to where he was and put us all on speakerphone! confronted the issue. Apparently he lied to her too and she said she was sorry, had no idea and that she poured her heart out to him because her last boyfriend cheated on her. Um, then why didn’t you pick up on the signs of a cheater the SECOND time around?
    I digress, I singed off by saying she could have him, he was damaged goods and best of luck! I then threw him out of the house at that moment. 🙂
    The question is…once a cheater, always a cheater? I think so. and he seemed to have proved that later on too with his next relationship.
    The positive? I’m so happy it did happen and I moved on to better. Thank goodness. 🙂

  2. Beeps
    January 31, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    I think I am fortunate in that the 3 long-term relationships I have had (one I have stayed in, in marriage…) never resulted in any cheating – not by him(s) and not by me.

    I do think “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

  3. February 1, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    I never had any concrete signs, but I did ignore my gut reactions, chalking them up to my tendency to anxious. I guess that time the anxiety was rooted in reality. Unfortunately (or fortunately? because it made it a crime), I didn’t find out until he committed bigamy by marrying the other woman.

    I love the emphasis on remembering that the fault lies with the cheater. Regardless of the issues, they are choosing to handle them in an inappropriate way. This mindset is critical to being able to move on and not carry the emotional weight of the betrayal forward into other relationships.

  4. February 2, 2012 at 1:28 am #

    Once a cheater always a cheater. I feel so sad about my sister. her BF of 4 years had cheated on her once. I think he’s going to cheat again. Sis shouldn’t have taken him back.

  5. Will Date For Free Food
    February 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm #

    Kristin – I would be interested in your opinion on “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Someone VERY close to me was cheated on after being with him about 5/6 years. At the point that he was cheating, they lived about 4 hours away from eachother. She found out, broke things off with him and then he did everything he could do to get her back and “change”. He even went to therapy. He quit his job and moved to her area. After trying over and over again for over a year, he finally got her back. Now, they are married with a baby on the way. Right now I 100% believe that he is loyal to her… but what about in the future? Should I be concerned or should I trust him because she does?

  6. February 7, 2012 at 1:20 am #

    Can I just say this?! I absolutely love your page…it’s like my morning coffee…LOL

  7. February 7, 2012 at 2:10 am #

    Nice post my friend

  8. postmod
    February 21, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    “If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you’ve found.”

    Oh, the ever present dilemma of how to “investigate”. Is this an invasion of his/her privacy? Is it the lesser evil? Your emotional and physical safety is on the line if your partner is in fact cheating on you.

    I was in this situation a couple years ago. I felt I had a right to know. I tried talking to him, asking for honesty and was pretty certain I was getting lies. So I decided to check his IM chat logs. I found proof he was at least emotionally cheating on me and hints that things had moved into the bedroom with the other woman.

    Maybe it feels justified if you find something but what if you don’t.

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