What Can You Tell From A First Date, Part Deux!

Ok, so I meant to post this sooner, but ended up getting sidetracked over the weekend. So, how were your weekend dates? Did Friday’s post make you stop and think? Well, finally….here’s part two. 🙂

Let’s talk today about the 7 negative behaviors to watch for on a first date that prevent future relationship success. Here we go:

  • Victimization:  Some people seem to have unending heartbreaks. They don’t seem to have anything else to share but their latest sorrow. When someone describes every experience in terms of constant emergencies, losses, frustrations, or disappointments, he or she can be hard to listen to over time. That is especially true if there is no satisfaction or joy to compensate. You will know when you’re with a chronic victim when you experience compassion and the need to bolt at the same time.
  • Neediness: When overwhelming needs are presented with entitlement, a once eager partner begins to feel inadequate. Over time, they stop expressing their own needs so as not to burden their always-empty partners. No intimate relationship can survive a one-sided obligation forever. Most people will eventually resent the constant demands for attention and support, and start seeing their lovers’ needs as illegitimate. The needy person then feels invalidated, increasing their needs even more. You will know you’re with a needy person if you begin to feel inadequate and that your own desires are not as important.
  • Domination: People into power want to win at any cost, and to control the outcome. They can be exciting initially because of their comfort with being on top. If they have desirable attributes, you may overlook their orchestration of situations for their own benefit for a while. When they start controlling their partners, they are not as attractive. Needing to win every argument, convinced that they know more than anyone, or unwilling to give up directing the show, they can seem heavy-handed and uncaring. Dominating people are rarely willing to let anyone else be in charge. They can easily run over people, and are not team players.
  • Negativity: Chronically negative people are pessimistic and cynical. They seem painfully wed to their state of sorrow and are too frightened to give up their negative expectations. Naturally optimistic people are often drawn to negative people, wanting so much to alleviate their sadness. They feel they have enough joy to give them hope again. Initially, the negative person may seem to be better, but will eventually invalidate whatever suggestions or help they are offered.You will know when you’re with a negative person when you realize you’ve heard nothing positive during the entire date.
  • Entitlement is a relationship destroyer. Entitled people feel that they are exempt from the rules. They believe that others are there to make sure they get what they want. Entitled people often order people around and criticize anyone who does not do things according to their dictates. They can initially be charming but quickly become irate when their wants are denied. It is not unusual to find them yelling at waiters, demanding privileged parking places, or dismissing “incompetent” people with loud, critical comments. You will know when you are with a person who feels entitled when you are embarrassed at the way he or she treats others.
  • Performers are people who hog the limelight and turn their partners into audiences. They get bored easily if anyone else is center stage, and they are easily wounded when their partners are not impressed with them. Performers can take a back seat for short periods of time if they are entertained or out-performed. Eventually they need the accolades that go with being the center of attention, and will disconnect if they can’t get it back.  You will know when you’re with a performer when the conversation will always be about him or her.
  • Evasiveness: People who are evasive have the ability to learn a great deal about their dates without revealing anything meaningful about themselves. They can appear initially as shy, contemplative, or even good listeners. But when inquired of, they turn the conversation back to their partner and stay hidden. Evasive people can get by for a while with well-timed minimal interactions. But when their partners actually ask direct questions, their unwillingness to reveal is exposed. They will change the subject, misinterpret the question, or challenge the right of the questioner to ask, thereby putting the responsibility for risking back in the hands of the now-branded inquisitor.You will know when you’re with an evasive person when you realize at the end of the encounter that you are the only one exposed.

So, what should you do with this information?

Watch alertly for these behaviors and challenge yourself as well. Ask yourself if you regularly practice any of the behaviors talked about here, or others you have identified in your past or current relationships. Please don’t ever be afraid to know yourself or to identify behaviors that you may want to change. The reality is that the only person you can change is yourself, right?  So put in the work to be the best you that you can be. And in the meantime, don’t go into dating unarmed…think thoughtfully about what kind of person you really want and also the type of person you’d like to avoid. The more you know yourself and know what you most want…the better you will be able to identify a gem when you meet one or give a lemon the heave ho.

Can you think of dates you’ve had who have displayed any of these behaviors? What did you do? How did you react?

Photo credit: The Integer Club’s Flickr photostream

To read the full article, go here…

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Categories: Ideas

Author:coupletastic

I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better place...one relationship at a time.

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2 Comments on “What Can You Tell From A First Date, Part Deux!”

  1. January 30, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

    The last 3, Entitlement, Evasiveness, and performers are the ones I’m watching out for. I’m wary of people who are evasive. I’m sure they have something to hide. I think this is the most common trait among men.

    • February 8, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

      I’ve encountered evasiveness a lot too. It doesn’t bode well when someone clearly is trying not to share details about themselves. Though I do think it’s normal for a guy to ask a lot of questions on a date. It’s smart to pay attention and notice how much someone is willing or not willing to share about themselves. Which is hard considering you really shouldn’t talk about ex’s, religion or politics on first dates…

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