A Little Mystery Goes A Long Way…

Have you ever noticed how much we “over-share” about ourselves these days? In an age where social media is king, TMI is par for the course and a person’s every thought and physical movement is broadcast to millions online, we have all completely lost our mystery.

Remember those sexy, enigmatic women in films who were so gorgeously mysterious? Men were intrigued because those women kept them guessing…dosing out tiny bits of information and flirtation in a confident, “don’t you wish” sort of way. It was flirting and beguiling at it’s best. Those women rarely felt the need to answer every direct question…often they just smirked and changed the subject…meanwhile, today we all feel compelled to talk and talk and talk…to “over share” about everything (even the most mundane or really personal things).

Face it folks – while all this sharing certainly feeds our exhibitionist tendencies it really does nothing for our prestige as women…especially in the relationship arena.  Men have never been enthralled by a woman because he found out that she  prefers a 180 degree half-caf soy latte on Tuesday mornings. Men have never had an incurable desire to know more about the woman whose drunken college photos were online for all to see. Men don’t often want to ask for a second date with the cute girl who has just unleashed all the stories of her past abusive boyfriends.

Men like  the woman who appears to have her shit together…the girl who sets herself apart from all the other TMI’ers out there.

Why is mystery important, you ask? Well, if you are to ask me…there ARE some things that don’t need to be shared – things that keep a relationship romantic.  For example, I don’t think it’s necessary to go to the bathroom with the door open in front of your partner or to maintain personal hygiene in front of my partner.  I don’t think it works in your favor to tell someone where you are, who you are with and where you’ll be going next ALL the time.  Frankly, a lot of this stuff is really just nobody’s business and if you were to really get nitty-gritty and ask…most people would tell you that they flat-out don’t care.

So, what happened to privacy? Privacy can still exist, even in a relationship. I don’t need to go on and on an on to my husband about my eyebrow waxing appointment – my eyebrows just look nice because they do. He doesn’t need to know (nor should he need to care) about threading or waxing or my new shellac manicure. Would Grace Kelly have prattled on and on about the previous men in her life to the current man in her life? Nope…

Take Facebook for example – sure it’s fun, but potential partners and future bosses are able to glean more random information about you from 5 minutes online than most people would get after 5 days of actually knowing you. Plus, that information that may or may not be a good representation of who you actually are (or how you want to be represented in the future).

So, how can you maintain a little positive mystery in your relationship and in your world? Here are some ideas:

Break the routine. Basically, you want to change things that you know you both have gotten used to, or even started to expect. If you know your partner expects you to do a certain thing at a certain time, maybe do something different! If he comes home at a certain time and you’re usually at home then, maybe you should be out once in a while. You can even just go walk the dog. Catch up with a friend at this time, take the kids out, be on the phone when he comes home.

Smirk or give a cheeky grin in lieu of using words. If you feel that the mystery is lacking, RESIST answering everything in words. This can be difficult, because we ladies love to chat, but it will be well worth it! Next time smile, bat your eyes or answer with a “maybe” or “I’ll think about it”…said in a flirty way.

Listen more than you speak. There is nothing that’s more important than this if you want to become more mysterious. Talking often gives people a clear image/idea of how you think and feel and doesn’t leave as much to the imagination.

Honor Your Feminine Side. We all have a bit of a girly girl inside – show it off. Men are so interested in girl stuff. And in this day and age when we are all so capable and independent women, it’s more important that ever to maintain this side of ourselves with our partner. It’s so different from their world that men can’t help but be intrigued by our differences. So don’t hold back, it’s great to be a girly girl.

So, are you an open book…or are you a mysterious woman? What do you think? Can  you reel it in a bit in this day and age to be a little less gabby and a little more beguiling?

To read more, go to: http://reneerose.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Be-Mysterious-To-Men

Photo Credit: Corrinne Day’s Flickr Photostream


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I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better place...one relationship at a time.

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6 Comments on “A Little Mystery Goes A Long Way…”

  1. adalamar
    January 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    Could not agree with you more! Men love to be kept guessing, they love the wondering. I feel like I am an open book (maybe because I blog), but have been told I am mysterious.

    Thanks fo rsharing!

  2. January 4, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    I say the same thing goes for the way a Woman dresses. Capital W for mature, adult women. Men might like to oggle the women who is showing ‘all the goods’ but they feel way more attracted to the woman who leaves more than a little to the imagination. Besides, men are known to have very vivid imaginations in that area. You rock, and Enjoy always, T

    • January 4, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

      I love that bit about NOT leaving the bathroom door open. In my current situation I have been trying to be more communicative but maybe it could use a little mystery.. I feel like I’ve nearly talked it to death.

  3. January 5, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

    I couldn’t disagree more!

    Yes, I agree that nowadays people talk and talk and talk, but the problem isn’t that they over-share, it’s that they really say nothing! For the most part it’s just prattling, empty idle talk, mindless chitchat. So being silent and pretending to be mysterious or evasive is to me just as empty-headed; it’s just a game, a con, a ruse, a posturing, a farce, more nonsense.

    “Men have never been enthralled by a woman because he found out that she prefers a 180 degree half-caf soy latte on Tuesday mornings.” Agreed!

    “Men have never had an incurable desire to know more about the woman whose drunken college photos were online for all to see.” Maybe, it depends on the guy and how much he’s had to drink, lol.

    “Men don’t often want to ask for a second date with the cute girl who has just unleashed all the stories of her past abusive boyfriends.” Point taken, but honestly, I’d be much more interested in her and in getting to know more about why she chose that relationship, was it really abusive or were the altercations verbal and mutual (what Schnarch calls “normal marital sadism”), et cetera.

    What a real man really wants is soulfulness, depth, substance. A woman who has an active inner life. And not an inner life filled with off-the-wall and wall-to-wall new-age craziness. But an inner life of substance—like Anne Morrow Linbergh. What a real man wants is woman of substance who is reflective, who stands for something—that way she won’t fall for anything, be easily batted around and stressed by circumstances, and be all over the map emotionally ping-ponging around. What a real man wants is a woman who reads some decent books instead of filling her mind with cotton, stuffing it with cotton—gossip magazines, “The Real Housewives of Who Really Gives a $%#$ Or Whatever Uber-Affluent Suburb They’re Featuring This Season” lol 🙂

    “Men like the woman who appears to have her shit together…the girl who sets herself apart from all the other TMI’ers out there.” – Kind of, sorta, maybe . . . How about: Real men like women who have perspective, who have their shit together and under control, who have something interesting and smart to say, and who are still passionate and sensual, and thus set themselves apart in this way from the seemingly endless supply of empty-headed emotional and intellectual girls in women’s bodies out there.

    “I don’t think it’s necessary to go to the bathroom with the door open in front of your partner or to maintain personal hygiene in front of my partner.” Ah, but that’s intimacy!

    There are two types of romance, one for girls and one for women. Girlish romance is all about image, appearance, being made to feel a certain way, being spoiled and pampered; it’s about being treated like a princess who doesn’t poop or if she does, then her poop doesn’t stink.

    But real intimacy and romance start from an entirely different place. Instead of being based in denial—denial of ourselves, denial of our own mortality, denial of our own bodies and our own stinkiness and malodorousness, denial of our aversions and our own aversive tendencies—a real romance between two healthy-minded people starts our by facing these facts and embracing these parts of reality. We’re a bag of bones and tissue and muscle fiber and excrement, some a bit more lovely than other, as David Dieda points out in his book “Instant Enlightenment.” So why cater to what’s worst and weakest in us by indulging in our propensity for denial? It doesn’t help us live and love better. It doesn’t. In fact it only helps us be less humane to each other and use others—and romance—as an escape, as a way of further anesthetizing ourselves to our predicament. Instead of romance being icing or frosting; people want to make it the main course of the relationship, the heartbeat of the relationship.

    The plea in this post shouldn’t be about developing a little mystery, in my opinion; it should be about developing some real depth and substance, a true spiritual practice, becoming a more wise and loving and giving person, becoming the best you that you can be!

    • January 5, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

      Hi John:
      Thanks for your comment.

      What you just shared is what you would personally like in a woman or relationship. And, frankly…I would certainly not be the woman for you (lol). But I’m sure you’ve found a woman who feels the same way. There’s definitely a lid for every pot.

      I don’t consider pooping in front of my husband “intimacy.” He wouldn’t either, in fact. You can be incredibly intimate with your partner and still have a modicum of personal privacy. I think it’s silly to say we are in denial and unhealthy if we want to keep a little autonomy and privacy. I believe that appropriate autonomy is healthy in relationships…so is playful lightheartedness…a la the mystery I was writing about.

      I stand by what I shared. However, I do agree that in oversharing and the medium of social media, keeps things at a shallow level (a la the examples I gave). I do advocate for depth and intimacy and being the best relationship partner you can be (the point of this entire blog actually)…but I do believe that also means being a grown-up and keeping some things to yourself.

      • January 5, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

        Then by the same token what you are sharing about wanting a little mystery is what you want in a relationship….whether it’s healthy or mature or not is an entirely matter, and one I’m happy to delve into, explore, and debate.

        I suspect that you will have an entirely different outlook on what you posted after you’ve had children, changed poopy diapers, nursed your spouse back to health after an accident or cancer, been with one of your parents through chemo, old age, the whithering away, and holding their hand as they die….

        Being exposed to these sorts of experiences does a lot to shift our focus, revise our priorities, change our wants and needs. Not to mention give us some real depth and perspective.

        And, no, you’re not the woman for me! You’re married! 🙂

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