Well, you know how they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the prince? Following is one of those tales….
Oh online dating….what can you say? It’s super hit or miss. Met a guy on eHarmony. Seemed very promising. Attractive, smart, wrote great emails. He’s a chef. Sounds great…I won’t have to cook anymore, perfect!
It’s a Sunday evening. We meet for drinks at the bar of a charming seafood restaurant in old town. Walk in, he’s there…smiling, welcoming, friendly, pretty cute. Great! I think this is going to go well. Sit down we order a glass of wine each. Proceed with the pleasantries. Lots in common…travel, reading, foodies. I’m half way through my glass of wine, he orders another and asks me if I’d like another. He’s visably nervous and putting em down pretty fast. I decline and continue working on the one I have.
He’s telling me about his restaurant…culinary school. All very compelling. Lots of laughing, lots of very sweet compliments, a good time. I’m ready for wine #2. He’s ready for wine #3. But wait, he confesses that he’s really on #4 because he arrived early and had one without me. Hmmmmm….
Now, it’s 7:30 at this time. I’ve been there an hour and a half. The guy is not offering anything to eat. I’m thinking he’s pretty much had a whole bottle of wine of his own on an empty stomach. It’s clear he’s getting drunk.
Interestingly, he asks me if I’ve ever had a DUI. “ummmm, nope,” I respond. He replies with, “Oh…”. No way not to take the bait so I say, “why?”
“Well…. I’ve had one.” OK, so I ask the circumstances. He starts talking…then along the way he confesses to a grand total of FOUR past DUIs.
At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m done here. I start winding things down. My date starts getting defensive, “I shouldn’t have told you. Now you won’t go out with me again.”
I try to stay neutral, he pays the check and follows me out of the restaurant…the whole way asking over and over if we can go out again. What day? This week? Where do you live, I’ll pick you up…..
Needless to say I got out of there fast. I didn’t go out with him again. But I did get a nasty email at 2am that night telling me that I didn’t give him a fair shot.
The only good news out of this is that the very next eHarmony date I had was with the man I married. 🙂 He is awesome! Im glad to say that we are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary tomorrow. Cheers!
So, do you believe that each less than stellar relationship experience gets us closer to the right one? What do you think we are learning along the way throught those experiences? Tell us here…
Couple-tastic! 
I believe that with each failed relationship I learn more about myself. I learn what I can tolerate and I also learn that I wasn’t a picnic to be with sometimes either. I’m not looking for perfection I’m looking to compatibility and of course sustained passion.
I think that we all should aspire to exactly this! Thinking of the dating process as a journey and learning more about ourselves, what makes us happy. You really only learn what you like and dislike through actual experiences – however frustrating or heartbreaking they may be.
I think we keep learning about human behavior, what really isn’t acceptible, and how better to recognise ‘red-lights.’ I have tried EH and met my last BF through there (‘the mocker’) I have learned from that experience many things (especially that if someone is exagerrating about their job – not really a good start.)
I sincerely hope the ‘less than stellar’ (in my case ‘bottom of the barrel’) is getting me closer to the ‘right one.’ 😉
I definitely think that “the mocker,” while dismal, was a good lesson in what you won’t accept. Sometimes in talking to friends we joke about how we need to learn a lesson more than one time to get the point. I know this has definitely happened to me. Sounds like you are ahead though, because you now have a good set of traits to avoid in men. 🙂
Congrats on the 3rd anniversary!!!! The dating world has so many rules who can keep up???? If you’re looking for a one night stand, tell them what they want to hear; if you’re looking for a second date, relay enough to keep them interested but wanting more; if you want a life time partner, skip the games, tell them what your about and ask them what they are about, go deep early so you’re not tread water five years in!!!! Too many factors in combining two people into one, that you will be a fool not to be yourself from the gate!!!!
Hi Brash! Thanks for the well wishes!
I totally agree about all the rules in dating and that it’s best to just be yourself. I think that the real hard time comes when people are guided more by insecurity, rather than confidence. Insecurity makes us do really wacky things – change ourselves to please others, go along with bad treatment when we should walk away, feel that we deserve less than the best, etc. When we each finally get into a good place with ourselves and stand for who we are is almost always when we find the right person. It’s like a magnet gets turned on to call in the right person.
*treading
I wonder how one knows he’s the one? Are we supposed to fall madly in love ? Or do we need a checklist, and the list should have a lot of checks , otherwise, he gets a grade of F ?
Hi Ren:
I think that as you get to know yourself and as you date more people you learn along the way what you will accept and what you reject in other people. Those experiences naturally create a loose list of behaviors or traits which end up becoming an unconscious list of non-negotiables. So, for example, for me when I saw my date putting back the wine (not a problem on it’s own necessariy…maybe he was just nervous) combined with the DUI admission I was out of there mentally. No way to do I want to take on a DUI guy project. The ideal is to get to know yourself first – how do you want to be treated? What behaviors will you walk away from? Finding the one comes from knowing yourself well. So instead of focusing outward, focusing inward helps you recognize the right compatible person and then love naturally happens…
Coupletastic, from my experiences so far, that would be a GOOD online-dating date!
It’s so nice to hear of an internet dating success story though. I haven’t tried eHarmony – I’m guessing you would recommend it?