When to Cut Your Losses

I’m sure that many of you remember the iconic episode of Sex and The City that spawned the fantastic book,. He Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt.  Now, I know that the book was very controversial and made a lot of women upset…but I have to tell you that the guy is RIGHT.

We women have a LOT of hope and a LOT of patience. Most of the time when we are dating a guy we consider pretty promising, we overlook some things or excuse some behaviors because we want to seem easy going, fun to be with or think that the questionable behavior is just a blip and not worth making a big deal over. But today I’ve got to implore you that we should be doing more to protect our hearts and to set boundaries for how we deserve to be treated.

Dates are indeed like taxi cabs…a new one WILL always come along…though at the time of a break-up or during a longer spell of single-ness it seems like we won’t ever meet a good person. Unfortunately, that feeling of vulnerability during those times spurs what I like to call “white knuckling” our personal lives. We hold on way too tight when someone treats us in a questionable way…instead of doing what we probably should do – walk away.

So, let’s re-examine what Greg was trying to tell us girls in his book. I think it deserves a closer examination.

First I want to say that no one should take the title, He’s Just Not That Into You personally. The key to the title is the word THAT. If a guy treats you the way described in the book, he is usually into you enough to sleep with you, just not into you  enough to love and respect you. What I think is important to note is that if a guy doesnt’ call after a date or disappears on you…that doesn’t always have something to do with you. We women have a tendency of extreme self criticism and blame – we look inwardly when something like this happens. We also have a bad habit of making excuses for men. Let’s stop the madness and be kinder to ourselves..

The good news is – when actually talking to men , we find that it’s just as often about HIS issues or things he’s dealing with in his personal life that causes his loss of interest. So it’s better to just decide neutrally that it wasn’t a match and cross him off the list…rather than speculating wildly about what happened or blaming yourself for what might have “gone wrong.” Just make me a promise today…let sleeping dogs (er…guys) lie…don’t call or email or stalk to find out what went wrong…just release him back into the wild to be someone else’s lackluster boyfriend.

Second, I want to say that we all deserve to be with a guy who is TOTALLY PSYCHED to be with us!  If a guy is showing signs that he’s “just not that into you”…that should not be good enough for you. I know that’s hard to execute upon…but you deserve way better!

Now, here are some things listed in the book as signs that a guy is just not that into you….and whereby should be dealbreakers for you…

  • He doesn’t acknowledge your birthday when he knows about it (simple sign that he’s not worried about your happiness)
  • He doesn’t ask you out in advance (booty calls mean you are temporary in his life, ya know…)
  • He doesn’t mind if you date other people or he sees other women (Ummmm…no, just not acceptable in any way.)
  • He always wants you to come to his house to “hang out” (you are hereby forbidden by me to deliver yourself to him like a pizza!)
  • You are calling him more than he is calling you (he’s going along with things with you because you are making it easy…no effort on his part means you are not a priority)
  • He doesn’t seem to want to introduce you to his friends or family (you are also hereby forbidden by me to be the “hidden” girlfriend….not acceptable)

So, while I know that it’s hard to tell someone “you are not good enough for me”…we really ought to do that more often…instead of going along to get along with people who don’t take care of your heart after you’ve given it to them for safe keeping.

Let’s discuss – what are your dealbreakers? Do you protect your heart in relationships?

Photo credit: cyclingpdx’s Flickr photostream 


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Categories: Tips


I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better place...one relationship at a time.

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7 Comments on “When to Cut Your Losses”

  1. November 7, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    I totally agree. We all fall into this “wishful thinking” sinkhole that we sometimes find it hard to get out of.

  2. November 7, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    Great post. Your timing with this one is impeccable.;)
    I find myself very cautious at the beginning and perhaps somewhat aloof, it takes time for me to trust – been burned too many times.
    Dealbreakers (have since upped my standards since the last guy, at least I hope)

    Category 1 BASIC: He lives with his parents, can’t cook, never used a washing machine, germaphobic, no car, no job, cheap, already has a GF or wife. (I give you Italian men!)

    Category 2: when he says he will do something and always forgets ie. to CALL (3 strikes and he’s out), doesn’t acknowlege VALENTINE’S DAY with at least something (a dinner, or a valentine), breaks dates, DOESN’T LIKE MY DOGS, and when I start seeing that my guy is getting nit-picky or short with me (maybe out of jealousy, or lack of confidence in himself) time to go!
    yep, time to let sleeping dogs lie.

  3. November 8, 2011 at 12:09 am #

    Glad for the good timing, Cakes!
    My personal philosophy is that it’s good to have a “wait and see” approach with guys. Let someone reveal themselves to you….the real them, not the best foot forward dating self. So, reserve judgement and be true to your personal non-negotiables.

    PS…what kind of wierdo doesn’t like your dogs??

  4. November 8, 2011 at 12:12 am #

    Totally agree…it’s so easy to imagine the “potential” that someone has…but when we get stuck on someone’s supposed potential, it becomes a confusing struggle to interpret when reality doesn’t jibe with what you imagined someone to be.

    So, the key is to stop wishing and speculating…instead collect data, like a scientist. He will ultimately reveal the real him to you in good time – which will either end up being disappointing or fantastic, happy news.

  5. November 9, 2011 at 2:31 am #

    I definitely see the similarities in our posts. Thank you for the introduction.

    • November 9, 2011 at 3:17 am #

      Cecelia – I’m glad to be connected to your blog. I look forward to following your thoughts and ideas! 🙂

  6. Really!?
    November 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    Love this!!! I abide by the rule that men do what they want. If they are interested, they will call. It’s not what they say…it’s what they do and they effort they make after the date. Planning for a new date, calling, consistency. I agree with Dr. Pat Allen. She says there is the Yin and Yang energies. Masculine and feminine energy. So, I feel, let him be the male and pave the way. If he’s not calling, making time to see you and making you feel good….say goodbye. The best line in this blog is that there is ALWAYS someone else who will come along. Wishing everyone faith and high self esteem to know you are worth someone who make you feel wonderful!

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