What Kim Wishes She Knew…

In honor of Kim Kardashian’s short 72-day marriage (what was she thinking!), today’s post will address some straight-forward ways that we can all diagnose the health of our relationships.

Of course, many people know that you probably shouldn’t get married if you don’t know one another very well, if you don’t share the same goals in life and if you don’t respect the other person, but for those of us who did enter into marriage with longevity in mind how can we keep our fingers on the pulse of the relationship?

After combing through decades of data about married couples, scientists have identified several powerful  ways to help couples recognize problems long before their relationship hits the skids.

  • Research has shown that analyzing the way  you talk about the good and bad times of your early years together—is about 90 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will succeed or fail. Stories that  reflect a sense of togetherness—by using pronouns like “we” and  “us”—indicate a positve connection while stories laced with negativity and accusation indicate love on the rocks.
  • Studies also show that it’s a mistake to judge the quality of a relationship by how much or how little you argue, particularly in the early years. University of Washington researchers studied newlywed couples and learned, not  surprisingly, that those who rarely argued were happier in the relationship than  those who fought often. But three years later, the findings had reversed.  Couples with an early history of bickering had worked out their problems and  were more likely to be in stable marriages. The couples who’d avoided conflict  early on were more likely to be in troubled relationships or already divorced.
  • Finally, one of the clearest signs of marital trouble is a simple and common facial  expression: eye-rolling. The same researchers at the University of Washington  found that even when it’s accompanied by a laugh or a smile, eye-rolling is  harmful because of what it indicates: contempt — a sign that you no longer value  your partner. The presence of contempt in your relationship is the #1 predictor of divorce.

Many of us already knew that Kim’s whirlwind marriage wouldn’t last…but how does your relationship stack up against the indicators above?  Tell us what you think?

To read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Relationship-Red-Flags-and-the-Science-Behind-a-Good-Marriage/2#ixzz1cPIS9Ebh

Photo credit: AshleyCooper’s Flickr photostream  

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Categories: Discussion

Author:coupletastic

I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better place...one relationship at a time.

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8 Comments on “What Kim Wishes She Knew…”

  1. November 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    Kim doesn’t strike me as much of a thinker, period. 😉

    I never would have thought arguing earlier on could have been a positive thing for some. That is good to know – to be pro-active and aware.
    The eye roll mention was quite interesting, I am curious to know how you would rate getting mocked? I think I had mentioned it before in another post. After I was trying to wind-down and arguement and drop the subject, I got a child-ish “na-na-na” and THIS was coming from a 45 year old, educated (a teacher actually), and supposedly mature man. (this happened on 2 seperate occasions) I was blown away. And here he was the one that used to talk to ME about contructive problem solving. go figure.

  2. November 1, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    I think bickering is healthy. I don’t think screaming and shouting names at each other is though. Bickering shows that you respect yourself and are comfortable enough to bring up problems with your love and that they respect themselves and are comfortable enough to have their own opinions. People aren’t walking all over each other with bickering. With bickering, a couple is”fighting” for their relationship in a healthy way–minus all the negatives of a full on shouting match. Thanks for your post! Interesting read.

  3. November 1, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

    Hey Cakes:
    No one deserves to be mocked…it’s childish and incredibly damaging. I would fathom to guess that you could correlate mocking in the same bucket with contempt. If someone is going to openly mock their partner, that in no way bodes well for a successful relationship with that person. In fact, I think that anyone who mocks their partner is unfit, actually not capable of having meaningful adult relationship. They are stuck at the maturity level of unripe fruit.

    There comes a point in time where you just decide that there are behaviors that are total dealbreakers…and that you won’t suffer the company of people who partake in those behaviors. A mocker in your midst….leave them in your dust.

    • November 2, 2011 at 9:39 am #

      Thanks. I feel lately that my thoughts have become clouded where he was concerned (It was a really hard break-up), and I needed to hear that. Contempt is a very strong word, but fitting. It reminded of an incident when we were together and he was standing off in the distance, I turned to look over at him and he was looking directly at me with exacly that – “contempt.” Why? NO idea. Some people you just can’t figure.

  4. November 1, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    Hi Tamariez:
    I think bickering can be healthy too…especially if you play by the rules (no name calling and no grudge holding)…My husband and I often say particular words or phrases to break the tension when we’re bickering. It’s great to make us laugh and it cools things down.
    Glad you liked the post!

  5. November 6, 2011 at 2:43 am #

    I think the eye- rolling is a also a sign of disrespect. My parents hate it, so my siblings and I have never done any eye-rolling, ever. I hate it, too. I’ll never speak ever again to any person who will do that to me, because you’re right, it’s a sign of contempt.

  6. November 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    I’ve heard the stat about not arguing early on leads to more arguments later. I don’t think fighting all of the time is a good indication, but constantly sweeping things under the rug is never a good thing.

  7. November 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    I think it’s really interesting that couples who argue a lot early on tend to have the lasting relationships, though it makes a lot of sense seeing that they would have covered a lot their inital issues early on. I tend to be one of those people who are quick to worry when my boyfriend and I get into relationship arguments, but I guess I should be a bit happier knowing that we’re getting it out of the way now rather than later!

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